The Grinch

I watched The Grinch tonight. 

It’s been several years. 

I first watched it at the Joplin Movie Theatre after a full day of Christmas shopping. I had been remarried 11 months, and my youngest daughter, who was ten, was with us.

The lyrics to the song “Where Are You Christmas” haunted me. I felt every word. 

“Where are you, Christmas?

Why can’t I find you?

Why have you gone away?

Where is the laughter

You used to bring me?

Why can’t I hear music play?

My world is changing.

I’m re-arranging

Does that mean Christmas changes too?”

I wept quietly in the movie theatre and tried to wipe away any evidence before I was found out. I bought the soundtrack and spilled many tears every time I listened to the song. 

The thought. The reflection. The meaning. 

Staring over. Aged 39.  Kids still young, and feeling as if I’d failed at motherhood. 

Failed at my first marriage. 

Even failed at life. 

Christmas had lost that magical feel, not just the Christmas you hope for your children but the one you long to recreate deep inside your own heart, no matter the age. 

I’ve spent many hours looking for Christmas for the past 25 years.  The most significant place I’ve looked has been in the Bible. 

It’s been a long road. There’s been so much I have read, seen, experienced, and grown from.  I have matured emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. More than anything, my heart has grown three sizes. 

This year was the best Christmas. 

I have accepted my failures. 

I know they are not fatal or final. 

They are covered by the One who knew I wasn’t perfect. He knew I would fail and I would need to be picked up, brushed off, put on my feet again, and loved. 

More than anything loved. 

And He has. 

“I feel you, Christmas.

I know I’ve found you

You never fade away

The joy of Christmas

Stays here inside us

If there is love in your heart and your mind

You will feel like Christmas all the time.” 

I’ve never been the one to decorate the day after Halloween or start listening to Christmas in July.  December is soon enough. 

But in my heart, I want to love, live, and give like it’s Christmas all the time.